She’s here!

I’ve been away for a while, I know that and I do apologise to everyone for that. There is, however, I really good reason. 

Some of you may know that I was very much struggling with illnesses and infections close to the end of my pregnancy – being in and out of hospital made making art for my other blog, and writing for here, rather difficult. 

Well, my pregnancy is over! My beautiful baby girl was born on the 27th November 2016 and was a happy, healthy baby. 13 hours of labour, and no painkillers (how I managed that I do not know!), she arrived, 7.8 ounces and 50 cm long, and a full head of hair! 


I’ve had difficulty bonding at first, as it just felt like I was babysitting someone else’s baby. Making the connection from the kicks in my stomach to the crying baby now in my arms has been quite hard for my heart to comprehend, but I’m slowly getting there. 

When you have a baby, everyone tells you that you’ll instantly full in love with them the minute they’re in your arms, but it’s not always like that. After birth, you’re still in shock, pain, and dealing with bodily functions that the last 13 hours your body hasn’t been able to do. After my mom cut the cord, and I watch led my dad and brother cry at the sight of her, I did feel a connection. The protective instinct. I wouldn’t let anyone walk around with her, they had to be sat down, or looking over the crib, but I wouldn’t say I was in love yet. 

13 days later, I still find it difficult, but the more I look at her, the more I want to hold and kiss her. I just want to do right by her. 

So, if you could all join me in welcoming to the world…. Matilda Nyree Elizabeth Williams. 

You Can’t Have Your ‘Cake’ And Eat It Too

A new daily prompt via Daily Prompt: Cake

This saying has been around for a long time, often used among the older population, but is still very well known. However, do we actually know what it means? I’ve found over time, lots of saying have been twisted, changed, or even cropped to change it’s context entirely.

The proverb literally means “you cannot simultaneously retain your cake and eat it”. Once the cake is eaten, it is gone. It can be used to say that one cannot or should not have or want more than one deserves or can handle, or that one cannot or should not try to have two incompatible things. The proverb’s meaning is similar to the phrases “you can’t have it both ways” and “you can’t have the best of both worlds.”

Many people misunderstand the meanings of “have” and “eat” as used here but still understand the proverb in its entirety and intent and use it in this form. Some people feel this form of the proverb is incorrect and illogical and instead prefer “you can’t eat your cake and have it (too)”, which is in fact closer to the original form of the proverb but uncommon today. Other rare variants use “keep” instead of “have”. -Wikipedia

Now, all of that might seem confusing, I know, I’m confused too. My interpretation of the old saying is this; That all ‘good’ things, have a consequence. You can’t have these without the consequences that come along with it, and wanting it any other way is just illogical.

Examples I’ve heard in my life are very broad. Everything from cheating on your partner, to actually eating cake.”You can’t have a mistress/mister and a good relationship with your wife/husband” or something along those lines.

What’s your interpretation of it? What examples have you got of the saying?

The Illusion of Productivity

For many children, teenagers, and even young adults, it’s time to go back to school. Projects beckon and buying new materials, equipment and clothes are essential. Growing up quite a creative soul, I became rather obsessed with stationary.

Pencils, pens, sketchbooks…Oh so many sketch books, Notebooks. The constant need to feel like I am fully prepared for whatever education demands. I often found myself trawling around shops just art equipment, and would do this more than once a week, and spend far too much.

The only conclusion I’ve found for this is, the illusion of productivity. The idea of going out, tuckering myself out physically, and feeling mentally accomplished by buying stationary in it’s masses. I also found, I’m not the only one that did/does this. It’s a common problem. Well… No problem for the companies that profit from our spending.

This idea that we’re somehow doing something towards our work ethic or contributing to lowering our work load by getting the things we need (Or may just WANT) to get the job done is enough to sit down with a cup of tea and relax for the rest of the day because we’ve done ‘something’, is actually a form of procrastination.

We all know we procrastinate, even on a small scale. Whether it’s a few hours, or weeks, or even months. My worst experience of dealing with this was when I was in my 1st year of university. You often have 3 months to do 2 projects. I found that in those 3 months, I would go to the shop and buy equipment… Then wonder around other shops buying things for myself, get back to my room, nap, and nothing would get done until it hit me that we only had a few weeks left until the dead line. I understand that the grades don’t count towards the final degree, however I do wish I could do things very differently.

Now I’m on a break from university, I’m restless. I find myself looking for things to do, setting myself mini projects to do. And the illusion of productivity returns when I buy things I want for these projects. More sketchbooks, more pens, and more mechanical pencils. It’s a hard habit to crack, and when the “Back To School” sales are on, it becomes very difficult to keep One’s money in One’s pocket. That might be my own problem with self-restraint and control, but sh….

What’s your illusion of productivity?

You Only Cheat Yourself

Responding to the daily prompt “Cheat”- https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2016/08/28/cheat/

When you cheat anything, it’s always been said that you only cheat yourself. I didn’t really understand that until I was about half way through high school.

Cheating on tests? You’re cheating yourself out of an accurate representation of your skills, and your grade. Now don’t get me wrong, schools nowadays seem to value grades above all else, and put far too much pressure on students to pass, instead of just teaching the darn subject. Disgraceful. However, on the other hand, cheating will only give people a false sense of security, until you’re actually asked to do something the requires the skills you cheated. Then you’re in pretty deep trouble. 

Cheating on your partner is just as bad, and vile. I can’t condone cheating of this form. If the relationship is sexless, or bad, then leave. No matter how many times you’ve “gotten away with it” before, it will catch up to you. Destroying someone’s self-esteem, trust, love… It’s not worth it. Love who you’re with, or leave. I understand that people that are in domestic violence situations don’t have it that easy, and can’t always just up and leave without being hurt, physically or emotionally, but is cheating really going to make that situation better? Or finding a subtle way to call out for help a better use of your time? 

In computer games, the rules are a bit more lax. You cheat to get past the hard parts, to stop yourself replaying the same level over and over just to get one piece you need. However, physical games, sports, cheating should not be condoned there either, and I’m certainly glad it’s not. Recently we had the Rio olympics, and due the Paralympics. Russia was, and is completely banned from both, which is a shame for those that have actually worked hard, the right way, cleanly, that have to wait another 4 years for a chance like this, however the blanket ban has stopped the drugged or “enhanced” from getting unfair treatment, and being allowed to compete. I suppose glory and money can make people fill themselves up with all sorts of toxins for that recognisiton, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. 

Cheating, makes you only cheat yourself. That’s something I will always believe.

Meeting People 

How does one meet new people? 

You’ve meet all the people there is to meet in work, and they’re not really what you’d call “friends”. School/college/university had some people, but you only connected with one or two, and life is moving on for everyone. Your friendship circle is pretty tight-knit. Everyone knows everybody. 

It seems that unless you drink out on the weekends, meeting new people as an adult is incredibly difficult. Even dating sites encourage the “lets get drunk” culture. 

I don’t drink out like that. And the clubs I want to be in, I’m already in. I crave new friends, new people, new conversations and opinions. I suppose we all do, that’s why social media is so important these modern days. 

Are you just like me? Or have an suggestions? All would be welcome.

Reflection on Mistakes

Responding to the daily prompt of “Mistakes” – https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/mistake/

It can be incredibly difficult to not see tough circumstances as a result of our “mistakes”. We are all just humans that way. We know that we all make mistakes, and the consequences don’t just affect ourselves, but the people around us. 

At 27 weeks pregnant, at first, I believed all this was a mistake. Being with a man that left me for another woman three months into the pregnancy was my fault. Keeping the baby, when I’m only 21, still in university and was struggling beforehand, still living with mommy and daddy, was all my fault. Not only that, but the effect on my family, my personal life, my health, was all my fault. It took me a while to realise that these rough times weren’t because of a mistake, but more a faulty condom, a vulnerable heart and the best intentions. So yes, maybe it was my fault, but not through neglect or malice, but love for the little group of cells now in my womb. 

In the beginning, I knew I had missed my period. I had brought the tests, and was sat wide awake at 3 am. I was terrified. This certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be older, with a job, a home of my home, and a man I knew for sure wanted this as much as I did, but not this time. I sighed and took pee test there and then. I couldn’t wait any longer, and have these negative thoughts swirling around my mind if it was going to be ok, and I wasn’t pregnant. It’s supposed to take 2 minutes for the results to show up, but they showed up practically instantly. I burst into tears and woke my parents up, sobbing into my mother as both my parents cuddled around me and told me everything was going to be ok. I did t know they were going to be right, all I knew was that the condoms I had used with my current boyfriend were obviously faulty and I was going to have to decide how things would go from here. 

Fast forward 3 months later. Me and my boyfriend had decided to keep the baby, that the idea of an adoption was just too much for me to take, and he was ok with being a father again. (He already had two children, one he had no visitation with, and the other was with a girl I was friends with back in college). Things had started going down hill. I was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo, with chronic morning sickness, well, all day sickness with how this went on. I was no where in the mood for sex. My boyfriend was becoming distant. I didn’t understand why, at a time I probably needed him the most, he wasn’t apclose at all. After a few days of having no reply to any of my messages, I got a group of abusive text messages. It was heartbreaking, telling me he never wanted this baby, that I would be a terrible mother, and he could go sleep with any woman he wanted because I obviously didn’t want him anymore. The day after he came over an apologised, but I couldn’t trust him after that. He broke me, and made me believe it was my fault, that my mistakes had driven him away. For a while, I believed him. 

Now I’m a lot further on in the pregnancy, I can feel movements, and I can see them much clearer on scans now, it made me realise that this baby wasn’t a mistake. Just my, now ex, was. The stress of moving my family home around with the help of my parents and money issues were just the bad coming with the good. University has been deferred for a year, and I’m thinking of transferring to a place closer to home. All my “mistakes” were just side steps in a direction I didn’t think I could go, but now I’m here, I am nothing but optimistic. 

Mistakes aren’t always your fault. And if they are, they truly can be opportunities in disguise. This oppurtunity is that I get someone that relies on me, needs me, and someone I can truly better myself for, to give them the best life possible. 

I realised I don’t regret my mistakes, and neither should you. Embrace them, and just think them through, it might be a blessing somewhere down the line.