She’s here!

I’ve been away for a while, I know that and I do apologise to everyone for that. There is, however, I really good reason. 

Some of you may know that I was very much struggling with illnesses and infections close to the end of my pregnancy – being in and out of hospital made making art for my other blog, and writing for here, rather difficult. 

Well, my pregnancy is over! My beautiful baby girl was born on the 27th November 2016 and was a happy, healthy baby. 13 hours of labour, and no painkillers (how I managed that I do not know!), she arrived, 7.8 ounces and 50 cm long, and a full head of hair! 


I’ve had difficulty bonding at first, as it just felt like I was babysitting someone else’s baby. Making the connection from the kicks in my stomach to the crying baby now in my arms has been quite hard for my heart to comprehend, but I’m slowly getting there. 

When you have a baby, everyone tells you that you’ll instantly full in love with them the minute they’re in your arms, but it’s not always like that. After birth, you’re still in shock, pain, and dealing with bodily functions that the last 13 hours your body hasn’t been able to do. After my mom cut the cord, and I watch led my dad and brother cry at the sight of her, I did feel a connection. The protective instinct. I wouldn’t let anyone walk around with her, they had to be sat down, or looking over the crib, but I wouldn’t say I was in love yet. 

13 days later, I still find it difficult, but the more I look at her, the more I want to hold and kiss her. I just want to do right by her. 

So, if you could all join me in welcoming to the world…. Matilda Nyree Elizabeth Williams. 

Reflection on Mistakes

Responding to the daily prompt of “Mistakes” – https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/mistake/

It can be incredibly difficult to not see tough circumstances as a result of our “mistakes”. We are all just humans that way. We know that we all make mistakes, and the consequences don’t just affect ourselves, but the people around us. 

At 27 weeks pregnant, at first, I believed all this was a mistake. Being with a man that left me for another woman three months into the pregnancy was my fault. Keeping the baby, when I’m only 21, still in university and was struggling beforehand, still living with mommy and daddy, was all my fault. Not only that, but the effect on my family, my personal life, my health, was all my fault. It took me a while to realise that these rough times weren’t because of a mistake, but more a faulty condom, a vulnerable heart and the best intentions. So yes, maybe it was my fault, but not through neglect or malice, but love for the little group of cells now in my womb. 

In the beginning, I knew I had missed my period. I had brought the tests, and was sat wide awake at 3 am. I was terrified. This certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be older, with a job, a home of my home, and a man I knew for sure wanted this as much as I did, but not this time. I sighed and took pee test there and then. I couldn’t wait any longer, and have these negative thoughts swirling around my mind if it was going to be ok, and I wasn’t pregnant. It’s supposed to take 2 minutes for the results to show up, but they showed up practically instantly. I burst into tears and woke my parents up, sobbing into my mother as both my parents cuddled around me and told me everything was going to be ok. I did t know they were going to be right, all I knew was that the condoms I had used with my current boyfriend were obviously faulty and I was going to have to decide how things would go from here. 

Fast forward 3 months later. Me and my boyfriend had decided to keep the baby, that the idea of an adoption was just too much for me to take, and he was ok with being a father again. (He already had two children, one he had no visitation with, and the other was with a girl I was friends with back in college). Things had started going down hill. I was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo, with chronic morning sickness, well, all day sickness with how this went on. I was no where in the mood for sex. My boyfriend was becoming distant. I didn’t understand why, at a time I probably needed him the most, he wasn’t apclose at all. After a few days of having no reply to any of my messages, I got a group of abusive text messages. It was heartbreaking, telling me he never wanted this baby, that I would be a terrible mother, and he could go sleep with any woman he wanted because I obviously didn’t want him anymore. The day after he came over an apologised, but I couldn’t trust him after that. He broke me, and made me believe it was my fault, that my mistakes had driven him away. For a while, I believed him. 

Now I’m a lot further on in the pregnancy, I can feel movements, and I can see them much clearer on scans now, it made me realise that this baby wasn’t a mistake. Just my, now ex, was. The stress of moving my family home around with the help of my parents and money issues were just the bad coming with the good. University has been deferred for a year, and I’m thinking of transferring to a place closer to home. All my “mistakes” were just side steps in a direction I didn’t think I could go, but now I’m here, I am nothing but optimistic. 

Mistakes aren’t always your fault. And if they are, they truly can be opportunities in disguise. This oppurtunity is that I get someone that relies on me, needs me, and someone I can truly better myself for, to give them the best life possible. 

I realised I don’t regret my mistakes, and neither should you. Embrace them, and just think them through, it might be a blessing somewhere down the line.